What’s the first thing you notice?
“I’m wearing a cap”.
“I see a city coming off the shore, looks like New York City”.
“I can see water, buildings, tall buildings, big massive sky scrapers. It’s very busy, roads, cars, it smells like city smells”.
“Everyone is just walking around getting on with their business. Cars are going past and I’m just walking through. Walking up hill, past city houses, little steps to get into them… I just walked into one”.
She describes the house as having a small living room, fire place, brown sofas, cream walls, brown old wood floor and that the clock on the wall says 6pm. I ask how it feels to be in that house and she says “Feels alright”.
I bring her attention to her body…
“I’ve got steel toe capped boots on, brown. Grey trousers that are pleated down the middle. A waistcoat that is grey and checked. My hands are builder hands, big hands and I’m wearing a wedding ring, thick band”.
Are you male or female? “Male”
Young or old? “40”
Does your body feel healthy?
“Yeah… I think I smoke”
What do you do with most of your day?
“I’ve got a wife. I live here, my wife is in there cooking. There’s two kids as well. A girl, blonde hair and a boy brown hair.
How do you feel about your wife?
(He pauses) “Alright… she’s very busy. She seems stressed… Probably about me”.
Why do you think that?
“I’m out when I should be in. She’s not happy, she just wants me here all the time. I don’t want to be here, I like getting away from my responsibilities”.
How do you feel about having children?
“I like them but I don’t like the responsibility. I like going out and getting away from it all. It’s all very overwhelming… I don’t want to hurt them. The way I am… it’s hurting them”.
Do you want to change your situation?
“I don’t know how to”.
Do you love your wife?
(He pauses) “I don’t know… She makes me feel bad about myself. She sees all my flaws. She lets me know she’s not happy”.
We move to an important day…
“It’s a gathering, an outdoor event, a family event. It’s my daughter’s wedding. People eating and drinking, music playing, everyone’s happy. I’m feeling pretty jolly. I like being at things like this… I’m proud of my daughter”.
Are you with your wife?
“Yeah she’s here, mingling with a lot of people”.
How do you feel about her now?
“Aye, we’re ok. We just get on with it”.
“I feel like there’s a hole or something… don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel like an outsider. Everyone’s laughing and joking… It’s like a parallel universe, like I’m here, but I’m not really here. I feel lonely. I think I push people away. I don’t want to get hurt or people to see me… I think I’ll get hurt if people get too close”.
Have you been hurt before?
“My Mum… She was very hard on me. She didn’t like me. She used to always shout at me, tell me to go away. It’s very sad, she was on her own. It just felt like I was always in the way”.
Is your Mum still around? “No she passed”.
How do you feel about that?
“Alright… she never seemed to be able to give me any love anyway. She never showed me her emotions. She didn’t like me”.
Now your an adult and can see it from a different point of view, is there anything you notice that you didn’t as a child?
“Yeah, but I don’t want to… It means I have to change. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I just can’t open up. I feel my Mum let me down. I have to look at it differently. I think she was in a lot of pain… My dad… I met him but I didn’t know him…
“My wife is annoying me (Why?) She just does. I don’t think I love her. I don’t want to be on my own. Don’t think I ever loved her. I got married because that’s what people done”.
We move to another important day…
“I see the sea. Im on a boat. I’m going to Scotland… Edinburgh. I’ve always wanted to go there. I’m excited. Im older, I’m really old around 80… My wife’s dead”.
How do you feel about that?
“Sad”.
Do you think she ever knew how you felt?
“Not sure”.
How do you feel now that she is gone?
(upset and says softly) “Heartbroken”.
You must have loved her then?
(whispers) “Yeah… I should’ve told her”.
After pausing for a minute, I ask him to tell me more about Edinburgh…
“I’m walking down the street, the air is very fresh. I’m on holiday. I’ve always wanted to go here. I’ve roots in Scotland, I’ve relatives here. (He whispers softly) I wish I had’ve came sooner, when I was younger… I should’ve took my wife”.
Do you think she would’ve liked it?
“I don’t know. I never got to know her that well. I didn’t ask. I thought I didn’t want to. I’m gonna die soon. I’m living like I should’ve 20 years ago! I feel 20 years younger!”
We move to the last day of his life…
“I’m in bed. I’m old. I’m done. There’s people around me. My daughter, son and the grandkids. I love them very much. (He whispers softly) I love them very much. I’ve got my daughter’s hand, she’s crying. It’s my lungs, it’s my time to go”.
What lessons did you learn in that life?
“That I should tell people how I feel before I regret it. I don’t think I had the awareness to know… Never leave anything too late. Don’t wait until you are old to do all the fun things. I could’ve been nicer… I could’ve been nicer to my wife. Don’t be so stubborn…”
(He whispers softy) “I’m a stubborn old man”.
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